Amidst all the exciting and gratitude for how far we have come in a year, I am continually reminded of the rough start uh tumble into motherhood for me (and fatherhood for Marc, but that is his story to tell)! The past few weeks have been a crazy look back (mostly self-induced) into the memories of a year ago. So here is the not so picture perfect story; I love the phrase ugly beautiful, because I really think that encompasses what the start of motherhood was like for me (and maybe all women). But for our family, it really was the worst time of our life, combined with one of our most beautiful blessings. Yes, we had great support, yes, we are incredible blessed to have a daughter that fared so well, but the behind the scenes was a pretty awful week, and I figured now, a year out, is a good time to share that part!
Because of the severe preeclampsia, I was on a 24 hour magnesium drip post delivery, which meant that I was in and out of consciousness during that time, but the more heart-wrenching part was that I was not able to see, touch, or hold my baby for OVER 24 HOURS AFTER DELIVERY. Let that sink in for a moment. I had a baby, but I could not see her. During this same time, people were allowed in to visit her, so basically everyone in my family was able to go in and see Ms. Olivia while I waited in a hospital room down the hall from the NICU. Yes, I agreed to it, because why should Olivia have to be secluded from everyone, but it does not hurt my momma heart anymore. But as the hours clicked by, I became more and more anxious to see her, to see for myself that she was alive and doing as well as to be expected. To see her little hands, feet, head, etc. It was a struggle and all the while, I had nurses constantly taking my vitals and threatening to not let me see Olivia unless we could get a good BP reading (as if I had control over this). Talk about anxiety!
During this same time, I was asked if I planned to breastfeed, and yes, we had planned for that! But when you have a 28 weeker, they don't go right to breast, instead you start pumping, knowing that you likely wont nurse for weeks or even months. Thankfully, my sister was in town during the first few days of this journey, ever encouraging me to pump every 2-3 hours round the clock. I think the continued reminding/encouraging was just what I needed, but its not without tears and loooooooooooots of them. I pumped and pumped and pumped and finally got this: MERE DROPS!
But thankfully mere drops is all Olivia needed when she was so little. This is probably one of the most honest pictures of life as a NICU mom, bloodshot eyes from intense crying, mixed with lack of sleep and being so excited for the tiniest vial of milk for baby girl. I was able to walk it down and give it to the NICU nurse that fed it right to baby girl via a feeding tube (which is how she was fed for the first month of her life). It is hard to put into words how meaningful that is. Knowing that I could not keep my baby safe in my belly despite my best efforts, but knowing that this small bit of milk could be a HUGE help for her sensitive tummy. I was on board!
That same day,
26 hours after Olivia was born, I was finally able to go into the NICU and meet my sweet baby girl. They want to wait 48 hours after delivery to hold her as delivery is very traumatic for preemies and lots of shifting to hold them is as well, but the kangaroo time with momma is also valuable so they are weighing the cost/benefit, which is a constant in the NICU. Sometimes no option is ideal but what has the best benefit and is it worth the cost. So for our first meeting, I was content to just be able to put my hand in and rest it on baby girl's bottom while she slept. Preemie babies do not thrive on a lot of stimulus, so you aren't encouraged to rub their fingers through yours or rub their back, instead, light but firm pressure in one area is ideal, it helps them to feel as if they are still in the womb. Yes, I was bawling my eyes out and with one hand raw from IVs and the other on my baby, the tears just feel down my oh so fashionable hospital gown!
Fast forward another 24 hours, more round the clock BP checks and tests. By this point, my vital organ function was returning to normal, my body was beginning to recover and pumping was taking off! I made 3 vials full of milk for baby girl and my sister and nurse thought it would be fun to document it!
And the best part of all, after over 48 hours post delivery, I was that I finally got to hold baby Olivia! They always encourage mom to hold her first and I wont lie, it is the scariest but most joyous moments of my life. I have held so many babies and know how to handle babies, but this was like 1/4 of a baby, she was so tiny and fragile, I was so scared I would do something to hurt her, but was also sooooooooo ready to have this precious child of mine up against my chest for the first time. It felt so right, a lot of NICU moms talk about a huge disconnect from feeling connected to their children. I definitely felt this some, but I think holding her helped to bring that gap for me! It was the most magical moment of my life! It is absolutely crazy to look at this picture now, I seriously cannot remember how she was ever that small. But that is motherhood, I cannot remember the last time I slept through the night, I barely remember those early days at home when she cried anytime I tried to put her down. I can vaguely remember the night we roomed in at the hospital before taking her home and not sleeping a wink because I was constantly checking her breathing. Its hard to remember the days, but we have a lifetime of memories all bundled into the last year and that is the amazing truth! Olivia's story is certainly one for the books!
Suffice it to say, our NICU journey was powered by machines. Machines to help Olivia breath, machines to regulate her body temperature, machines to allow me to pump, machines to read her pulse, heart rate, blood pressure, etc. machines to exactly dispense medicine and milk as the case may be. We learned about each machine, how to operate most of them, what numbers to watch for, etc. So upon our release it was scary to come home to no more beeping, no more daily reports and just having to wing it when for two months we had known nothing else. Unfortunately, there was one machine that stuck around and that was my breast pump. Olivia, though lots and lots of trying, never really took to nursing. This is common for super young preemies, as they learn early the bottle has no let-down period and they get spoiled and refuse mom's nipple. So, after weeks of trying we gave into pumping with a goal to make it to a year. During that year, I battled clogged ducts, stomach bugs, lack of sleep--when do you get to nap if you have to pump when baby is napping?, LOTS of cleaning of pump parts (thankful Marc helped lots with this), crying over spilled milk at 3am, overproduction in the beginning, to underproduction as she got older, pumping in the car more times than I can count, multiple lactation consultants, attempting every position imaginable with a 4 pound baby to try nursing, pumping at work, pumping in a utility closet, and ending out our year with a case of mastitis. It has been a wild ride, but we did it! Exactly one year ago today (because I was in recovery post op, they did not put me to the pump until the following day), I started my pumping journey and am proud to have made it this far, we shall see what the future holds. I am clinging on for now, but just barely...
I know we are so far removed from those early days now, but I wanted to have a place to have this story documented for other moms who may be just starting out. The ride is full of the good, the bad and the ugly, but make your story your own! Ours certainly was a scary one, but I have never felt more love and support than I have in this last year...the UGLY BEAUTIFUL side of being a preemie mom!
